Anna's Home Shopping Channel
by The Additional Pylon
Summary: Ever wanted to get your hands on that sacred sword spoken in Hylian legends? Or how about those magical balls that can capture any wild animals with a 100% catch rate? Perhaps you even dreamed of obtaining the legendary 1-Up mushrooms of Mushroom Kingdom lore. Well all this and more can be yours if you stay tuned onto Anna's Home Shopping Channel! *Refunds not provided.
1. A Master Sale

**Considering how the Outrealms seems to connect to every known dimension/universe, I figured it was only a matter of time before one of the Annas began "liberating" sacred items from different worlds and selling them at ridiculous prices. After remembering Tanaka's home shopping channel from the Persona series, I decided Anna should have an equally entertaining show where she would put these items on sale.**

**Currently, I'm debating if I should add in extra chapters showing what some of these buyers do with their newly purchased items or not. Of course, this would mean the updates will come a bit slower but I'll leave that for all of you readers to decide. For now, let's see what sort of crazy item Anna managed to get her hands on today. Without further ado, I present the pilot episode of:**

**Anna's Home Shopping Channel  
****Ep 1: A Master Sale**

Hello and welcome to Anna's Home Shopping Channel, the one and only place for your strange and mythical merchandise! Today, we have a very special item straight from the legendary lands of Hyrule itself! That's right, the merchandise on sale today is none other than the one and only Master Sword! We're not kidding here folks, what you see here is the actual Master Sword wielded by the various heroes of Hyrule! Forged from the fires of Mount Doom it… Wait a second. This isn't the right script! Hubba! Did you forget to organize these again? Umm… give me a second.

…

Aha! There you are! Okay, let's get back on track. Ahem. Forged by the goddess Hylia to protect the world from evil, the Master Sword is the ultimate weapon against the forces of darkness! Its magical blade is good for slaying all sorts of monsters without ever having to sharpen it! In fact, we're so confident, that we're willing to give a full money-back guarantee if the blade ever dulls!

But wait! That's not all! If cutting down monsters and other baddies isn't your cup of tea then you'll probably be interested in the sword's equally potent power of being able to easily cut down any and all forms of grass! If you're tired of managing your front yard with a boring old lawn mower, then this is the item for you! Just pick up the Master Sword and begin laying waste to the evils of your overgrown lawn! Add in a few grunts and shouts and you'll be on your way of being just like the legendary heroes of Hyrule!

If you order now, this awesome monster and grass slaying sword can be yours for the low, low price of 1,0000,000 rupees (or your local equivalent)! As a bonus, if you order in the next five minutes, I'll even add this evil looking mask for free! I think the natives called it the Majora's Mask or something but all I know is that it'll make you the center of attention at every costume party you go to! (Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any cases of moon-related destruction ensuing from this mask.)

This deal is so hot that we're only offering this once! Call now before you miss your chance to obtain this truly epic, one-of-a-kind legendary sword!

…

Oh, it seems like we already have a buyer! Well, that's that folks! We're sold out for today's sale but make sure to stay tuned for the next amazing deal! I'm Anna from the Outrealms and this has been another exciting sale from Anna's Home Shopping Channel! I hope to see you again!

* * *

**One guess as to who bought the Master Sword. And no, it wasn't Link. XD**


	2. Customer Review Master Sword

**This story sure made a bigger hit than I thought it would. First off, let me thank everyone who left a review for the last chapter. You guys are the best! I would've personally replied to every one of them but I figured you'd like it better if I just put up a new chapter quickly.**

**Anyways, most of you were able to correctly guess who bought the Master Sword and I simply couldn't pass up an opportunity to show what kind of crazy antics ensue from Anna's latest money-making scheme. I'm still not sure if I'm going to write one of these for every sale or not but I'll hopefully make up my mind by the next chapter or so.**

**Also on a side note, I purposefully tried to keep all the pairings as neutral as possible. The only big self-input that I added was the avatar being male and being named Robin (the default name). Other than that, I tried not to mention the kid's parents seeing as how we all have different opinions on that.**

**And finally, before you enjoy this very... strange tale, I recommend listening to "Agh! Won goph in mah mouph! Blech! Ptooey!" (great title, I know) from the Fire Emblem: Awakening OST. It just seems to fit the mood for most of the story. Well, let's get to it! Here is the result of letting Anna meddle in the affairs of multiple, different dimensions.**

* * *

**Anna's Home Shopping Channel  
Customer Review: Master Sword (with Majora's Mask)**

**_Fire Emblem Universe, several miles from Ylisstol…_**

After receiving word that the last gemstone was in the hands of King Validar, Chrom and the Shepherds immediately set out for Plegia. While the younger generation was rather eager to see what the desert country looked like in the current timeline, their parents were less than enthusiastic about returning to their old battlefield. To add to the parents' worries, the road leading to Plegia was littered with numerous Risen packs looking to ambush any unfortunate traveler that happened to cross their path. As such, the royal army soon found themselves engaged in a heated battle against a surprisingly powerful group of Sorcerer Risen.

"Damn it! There doesn't seem to be an end to these things!" Chrom swore out loud as he cleaved one of the nearby monsters in two. "Robin! I think we should fall back and regroup for now!"

"Ngh! It doesn't seem like we have much of a choice," Robin stated darkly as he dodged an incoming Mire attack. "Alright, signal the retreat! We'll gather our forces on top of that hill and shoot down these Risen from the high ground!"

"Sounds like a plan," Chrom agreed before turning to his soldiers. "Everyone, we're going to make a break for those hills! I want all the mages to lay some suppressing fire as we fall back! Pegasus Knights, keep those sorcerers off of our flank! Knights, you're going to-"

"Halt!" a very familiar voice suddenly called out from behind the prince. "There's no need to call the retreat when the great scion of legend is here! Watch as I use my new, heroic blade to cut down these evildoers!"

"Owain, this isn't the time for your charades!" Chrom shouted angrily as he turned to face his spiky-haired nephew. "Now get back into position and protect the convoy!"

"Aww, come on Uncle Chrom!" Owain whined with a strange looking blade in his hand. "Just give me a chance to try out my new sword! I know this sounds silly but I can seriously feel the power of this legendary blade coursing through me! Look, I'll take out that group of sorcerers there to prove my point. Come, mighty Master Sword of Hy… something. Let us lay waste to these abominations! Hyaaaaaah!"

Before Chrom or Robin could stop him, Owain ran off towards the aforementioned Risen with his sword held high. Much to everyone's surprise however, the young swordsman managed to dodge every single spell that the enemy threw against him with amazing ease. In the blink of an eye, Owain slipped into the middle of the Risen group and cut down all of them with a single, elegant spin attack.

"Wha… How did he…?" Chrom stuttered out as he tried to get a grasp of what had just happened. "It took Falchion three hits to take those monsters down! What kind of sword is that kid using?"

"Umm… maybe it's an anti-zombie sword?" Robin said uncertainly, equally surprised by what he saw. "I mean… it looked like those Risen died as soon as the blade made contact with them."

As everyone watched in amazement, Owain ran across the battlefield as he singlehandedly slew every Risen in sight with some random grunts and shouts added in for dramatic effect. Before they knew it, all of the monsters were turned to purple dust as Owain assumed a victory pose at the center of the former battlefield.

"Ha! Let this be a warning to all evildoers! No one can defeat me and my trusty Master Sword of Justice! Let the world tremble whenever they hear the name of Owain the Great! Hiiiiyaaaaaaa!"

**_Plegian border, several weeks later…_**

After a long and tiring journey through the scorching desert, the royal army was glad to know that their destination was soon approaching. As such, all of the future children were in high spirits as they chatted with one another over their morning meal… with the exception of Owain who was nowhere to be seen.

"Gah, this heat is killing me," Severa complained loudly for the fifth time that day. "I'm so looking forward to finally getting this whole stupid trip over with!"

"Oh, come on. It's not too bad," Morgan said lightheartedly as she finished her loaf of bread. "I mean, at least it's not as hot as the time we were at that volcano. I honestly thought my clothes were going to catch on fire then."

"Yeah, but that was just for one battle! We didn't have to march around that place for multiple weeks like we're doing now!"

"Oh, suck it up," Kjelle replied in her usual brash manner. "These extreme conditions are perfect for some high intensity training. In fact, I was thinking of starting a new training regimen starting today. Anyone interested in joining me?"

A long silence followed as everyone tried to avoid meeting Kjelle's enthusiastic eyes.

"Ahem. Speaking of training, is Owain still off doing his stupid hero practices?" Brady said in an attempt to quickly change the subject. "I haven't seen the guy outside of the battlefield for a while."

"I… umm… saw him cutting some grass with that weird sword of his yesterday," Noire whispered out. "He was making a lot of weird noises so I decided not to interrupt him."

"Ugh. What's with that guy lately?" Severa said in an annoyed voice. "He's been acting strangely ever since he started using that Master Sword or whatever. I mean sure, he's been a lot more useful in battle but he's always making those weird grunting sounds and cutting every patch of grass he sees. Seriously, what's up with that?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Nah suddenly interrupted. "Here he comes now."

Just as Nah had said, the self-proclaimed hero was seen walking towards his fellow comrades with the Master Sword in his hand. Much to everyone's confusion, however, his usual look of confidence was replaced by one of worry and fear.

"Hyaaaahh! Guys! You have to… Hiiiiiyaaaaahhhh! Help me!" Owain blurted out as he reached his friends.

"Gods, do you have to make those stupid sounds even off the battlefield?" Severa commented condescendingly.

"What's wrong Owain?" Cynthia asked in a worried tone. "You look like you've just seen a ghost. Oh, wait. Did the spirit of an ancient hero come out of that sword? Is that what happened?"

"What? Hyaaa! No! That's not it at all!" Owain answered in his still panicky voice. "I don't know what it… Haaaaa! Is but I can't seem to stop making these… Hiiiiiyaaaaaa! Sounds!"

Everyone remained silent for a while as Owain continued to let a few more grunts and shouts. Finally, everyone couldn't contain themselves anymore as they all began to laugh. Even Gerome and Laurent couldn't help but give a small grin at the situation.

"H… hey! This isn't… HYAAAA! Funny!" Owain shouted out desperately as his friends began rolling around from laughter. "This is a very… Huuwaaaahhh! Serious problem! I think this sword's cursed or… Haaaaaa! Something!"

Unfortunately for Owain, he had to wait several more minutes before someone finally calmed down enough to bother helping him.

"Okay, this is just hilarious," Morgan said as she tried to stifle her laughter. "Alright then, show me the sword. I'll try to see if there's any sort of hex or curse on it."

While everyone continued to laugh at Owain's misfortune, Morgan began inspecting the Master Sword using her magic. After a few minutes though, she moved back with a confused look.

"Huh. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the sword. I mean, I can sense some form of magic in it but it's not one I'm familiar with."

"Perhaps my mother tested out a new hex on him?" Noire put in helpfully.

"No, I don't think that's it," Morgan stated as she brought her hand up to her chin. "Simply put, the form of magic on this sword doesn't exist in this world. Because of that, I can't tell if that's what's causing the weird grunting curse or not. Speaking of which, where exactly did you even get this sword anyways?"

"I… Hwaaaa! Bought it from the Outrealms,"Owain replied rather sheepishly. "Anna introduced me to one of her sister's… HYAAAA! Secret shopping business for rare and legendary items so I figured they'd… HAAA! Have something for me."

"Well that explains a lot," Morgan said with a sigh. "I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you then. I just don't have any experience with magic from different worlds. And I'm pretty sure no one else in camp does either."

"WHAT?" Owain shouted out in panic. "Does that mean I… HIIIYAAAA! Have to talk like this forever?"

"Well, you could just get rid of that sword," Inigo suggested. "I'm pretty sure that'd stop the weird curse thingy."

"No… HYAAAAAAA! Way! I spent a fortune on this thing! Besides, this sword seems to… HAAAAA! Boost my strength and speed as well! Sure I sometimes get these… HWAAAAA! Weird urges to cut grass and smash pottery but…. HYAAAA! HAAA! HIIIIYAAAA! That's a small price to pay to… HWAAAAAA! Be the greatest hero known to mankind!"

"It's your choice," Inigo said with a shrug. "I mean if shouting and grunting like a lunatic makes you hero, then by all means, go for it."

"Fine! HWWWAAAAAAA! I will!"

Just as Owain turned around to leave, Ricken suddenly made his way towards the group.

"Oh, hey Ricken," Brady greeted the young mage. "What're you doing here instead of hanging around with the other old folks?"

Instead of answering, Ricken turned to face Owain with a rather strange look on his face.

"Hey, Owain? You know that weird mask that you've been carrying around recently?"

"Yeah? HYAAAAA! What about it?"

"Umm… do you think that maybe I could… try it on just once?"

"What? No… HWAAAAAA! Way! I'm saving that for my debut… HYYAAAAT! Appearance on the theater! It's going to be part of my…. HAAAAA! Tribal warrior outfit! Now then, I'm off to cut some grass! Er… I mean… HIIIYAAAAA! Cut some monsters! Yeah, I totally meant monsters."

With that Owain left the group while continuing to shout and grunt like a maniac.

"Well, that was certainly… amusing," Laurent commented with a smile still on his face.

"No kidding. I thought I'd go extinct from laughing so much," Yarne said with a chuckle.

With that, the rest of the kids went on to chat about other more trivial matters. In the midst of all this, no one noticed Ricken slip quietly into the shadows as he began muttering to himself.

"That mask… it calls to me … soon… it shall be mine… yes… it must be mine… then Chrom won't treat me like a kid anymore… Heh… heh…"

**_One month later, final battle against Grima…_**

"Now, Robin!" Chrom yelled out as he brought up Falchion. "This is our chance! I'm going to finish it!"

Before he could act however, Robin suddenly raised his hand as a magical aura began to surround him.

"… Robin? Wait, what –" Chrom exclaimed in surprise as his friend stepped forward.

"… WHAT… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Grima yelled out as a hint of fear entered his voice.

"For once, I'm glad you and I are the same," Robin calmly stated as the magical glow intensified. "Now I can give my life to protect those I care for…"

"…YOU WOULD… NOT DARE!"

"I would and I will. The evils you would visit on this world are unthinkable… In some way, I - we share the blame. It's only right we meet our end together!"

"…NOOOOOOO!"

Just as Robin was about to perform the ultimate sacrifice, a loud shout suddenly interrupted him.

"HWWWWAAAAAAA! HIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAA!"

Everyone turned their heads in unison as they spotted Owain racing towards them at breakneck speed. Before anyone could question what was happening, the spiky-haired swordsman leapt forward fifty yards before dramatically stabbing Grima through the chest with the Master Sword.

Dead silence fell upon the area as time seemed to come to a standstill. After what seemed like an eternity, Grima suddenly began to laugh as the heroes stared in confusion.

"FOOLISH HUMAN! DID YOU EXPECT TO DEFEAT ME WITH A PATHETIC BLADE LIKE THAT?" Grima jeered, seemingly unfazed by the sword sticking out of him. "ONLY THE DIVINE BLADE FALCHION HAS THE POWER TO… wait… do you… smell something… burning…? Cause I definitely smell… OH NAGA! I'M BURNING! THE SWORD! WHAT IS THIS MAGIC? IT BURNS! THE PAIN! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I TRIED TO READ THAT VAMPIRE ROMANCE BOOK! NOOOOOOOO! IT… IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS! I… I just… wanted… a hug…"

With that final quote, Grima dissolved into a puff of purple smoke.

After being safely transported onto the ground by Naga, everyone gathered around Owain and the divine dragon as they tried to make sense of what they had just witnessed.

"You… what just… huh?" Chrom stuttered out as he stared at Owain with the world's most confused look.

"What's the deal Naga?" Robin asked in a very irked tone. "I thought you said Chrom and I were the only ones capable of ending Grima!"

"I… umm… didn't take into account weapons from the Outrealm," the spiritual form of Naga replied in a flustered way. "I haven't been out lately so… well look on the bright side. I can't seem to sense Grima's presence anywhere so that means he's gone for good! Ahem. Brave warriors, I must– "

"Look on the bright side? I almost sacrificed myself to kill that monster!" Robin cried out indignantly. "I have a freaking wife and child! Didn't it ever occur to you that _maybe_ you should have told us about the possibility of killing Grima without me having to abandon my family?"

"I… umm…."

"He has a point," Chrom agreed as he faced Naga with an equally disapproving look. "You're the divine dragon who's looked over these lands for thousands of years. Shouldn't you have known about this Outrealm sword that could've solved this problem without any of this stupid sacrifice nonsense?"

"Oh would you look at the time!" Naga suddenly declared as she prepared to teleport away. "I'm late for my meeting with Palutena and Din! Umm… enjoy the peace that you have won and… uhh… Yeah, I'm out of here… Bye bye."

With that, Naga disappeared leaving a very irritated tactician and prince behind.

"Hey, cheer up guys!" Lissa spoke up in her usual cheerful voice. "We've saved the world and no one had to die for it! I'd say that's reason enough to celebrate! Not to mention that it was my own son who landed the final blow! You made me so proud Owain! Let mommy give you a big hug!"

"HIYYYAAAAAA! HWAAAA! HAAAA!" Owain shouted out as Lissa proceeded to crush several of his ribs.

"Well… it might have been a bit weird but I guess you take what you can get," Morgan stated with shrug. "Besides, I'm just happy knowing that you're still with us father. Now we can play some tome stackers to celebrate!"

"Heh. After all this time, who would've thought it'd be Owain that'd end up saving the day?" Lucina said with a smile of her own. "Though it is rather strange, I'm just glad we managed to reach a happy ending."

"Don't forget the fact that Owain can't talk now," Severa added with a rather mischievous smile. "His grunting noises do get annoying but they're a whole lot better than what used to come out of his mouth."

"HYAAAAAAAA!"

At this everyone began laughing as they proceeded to lift up Owain to celebrate their hard-earned victory over Grima. Off in the distance, the sun rose up as if signaling the bright new days to come. With their battles finally over, Chrom and his brave soldiers were left to enjoy the new future that they had all worked so hard achieve. All was finally right with the world…

Or so it seemed. As everyone moved off to congratulate Owain, no one noticed a young mage sneak his way over to the convoy where he began looking through Owain's belongings. After a few minutes, he managed to find what he was looking for.

"Yes! Now with this mask I shall finally be considered an adult!" Ricken cheered as he put it on. As soon as he did so a dark, forbidding aura suddenly surrounded him as he began to let out a creepy giggle.

"Heh… heh… Actually… Why don't I get back at all of those losers for treating me like a kid… Yes… you're right mask… how about… we drop a moon on them? That sounds like fun… heh… heh heh… ha ha…. HA…. HA HA HA…. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

**xxx**

**_Meanwhile, in the Legend of Zelda Universe…_**

"Yes! Yipeee! I can finally talk! Oh it feels so good to finally be able to say something other than HYAAAAA!"

"Link, this is hardly the time to be celebrating!" Zelda shouted out as her castle burned in the distance. "Without the Master Sword, we won't be able to stop Ganondorf! We need to hurry up and find it before things get any worse!"

"Are you kidding me? Now that the Master Sword's gone from this dimension, I can finally talk like a normal person! There's no way I'm giving up my new freedom! Seriously, do you have any idea how frustrating it is to communicate only through grunts and shouts? It's like being a mime… but worse!"

"Can you stop being so happy and help me… and there goes Kakariko Village. Fantastic"

"Aww, cheer up princess. I'm sure all of this evil conquest business will blow over on itself soon enough."

"What are you… Ugh! I'm stuck with a freaking idiot! What did I do to deserve this?"

"Well, excuse me pr- "

Luckily, a passing Bokoblin happened to eat Link before he managed to finish his infamous line.

"Well I guess this world really is doomed now," Zelda said with a sigh as another village spontaneously combusted behind her. "But mark my words, if I ever get my hands on the imbecile who stole the Master Sword, I'll make sure that they suffer through a fate worse than the CD-I games."

And far away in the Outrealms, Anna couldn't help but shiver for reasons she could not explain.


End file.
